Monday, April 11, 2011

Act of God Times Two


Let me first start off by stating that I am not a religious man. I have been baptized, confirmed and even attended a catholic college but by no means am I remotely religious. However, on this morning I had been blessed. Upon leaving the high school parking lot something wasn't right. My stomach was tight and slightly nauseated. Could it have been those chicken nuggets I had for dinner (gross) or that two scoops of delicious ice cream I had from Rota Spring Farm yesterday (awesome)? Either way, I knew I was in trouble.

Within the first half mile I was already doing the trots. Its not so much of a run, not really even a jog. Just moving fast enough not to tip over. The pains were so bad I thought about turning around. I immediately began looking for places "to go". I was hurting unit at this point to say the least. I hit the hill coming up Bruce st and proceeded to squeeze as hard a possible. Any uphill was nearly impossible at this point in time. The center of town was just that, nothing special and nothing really open to help my cause. I had thought about Cumberland farms but knew from that past that they don't let you use their bathrooms.

As I headed up north street it was do or die time, and I was going down in Just a side note, I landscape for my brother-in-law and we have many accounts on north street. It occurred to me at this point that I could not wait to get back to the high school (which was locked up). Even then I would have to drive to dunkins and that seemed like a cross country expedition. So I scanned the ground for trash. Yup, newspapers, old towels, anything. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. I figured I could hop a fence and hit one of our account's backyards. They wouldn't mind...right?

I found nothing of use and plodded past the middle school and down the backside of north street. This is where the act of god comes in. A construction site. New sewer lines? New water lines? I didn't give a holy hell. All I knew that when there is a construction site...there must be a porto poti! And there she was, sent from the heavens. I won't bore you with the details but my stomach felt much better afterwards.


With less than a mile left, right behind swirls and scoops actually, I was almost killed. Yup. Done for. Let it be known that I was wearing my $100 headlamp which could blind you if you looked at long enough and was also wearing my fluorescent running vest, which can be seen from like 400m away. It wasn't good enough i guess. This woman, let's call her "soccer mom" in her grey minivan (didn't get license plate, but I know who you are!) came at me like it was her job. I mean she can right at me like I was the bug lamp and she the was the mosquito. I thought that I was a goner. I dove off into the mulch, jumped up and turned around and gave her a few choice words and a few hand gestures.  The rest of run was uneventful.


Don't eat weaver chicken nuggets and ice cream on the same day. Or maybe don't eat chicken nuggets ever for that matter. Also, when running, you must wear a full body suit of blinking Christmas tree lights while pulling a generator behind you. This could be the only way that people actually see you when running in the morning. Or maybe don't wear anything. Or all black. At least then the "soccer mom" wouldn't be attracted to you.


  1. I feel your pain, I've been on a few trots myself. I have witnessed the illumination of yor head lamp, soccer mom must have thought she was seeing the light at the end of "the tunnel".